April 21, 2012
So there I am, in my natural environment, the dance studio. (I was about to teach little girls tap) I have had a lot happen to me this past month and a half, a lot. I could have chosen so many other pictures to be up there, but I settled on this one for a very specific reason. I was asked this morning (by Zach) “if you were to die today, how would you be remembered at this very moment?” well, to be honest, right now I would be remember as a lying, no good to anyone, slut. and here’s the story behind that:
Last October, I went up to visit Zach. It was suppose to be a surprise but he found out. when he did, he got very angry. he didn’t want me up there and I couldn’t figure out why. I was so hurt and so sad. I went up anyways and the first night I got up there, there was a party he was suppose to go to except he didn’t want to bring me because his exgirlfriend (who he cheated on, with me) was going to be there. We got in the biggest fight you could ever imagine, but I ended up going with him and it was a GREAT night, to say the least, the whole weekend was. However, after I left, everything was different. He stopped texting me as much, stopped calling all the time, and was just tuned out. We broke up shortly after but continued to..talk I guess. Holidays came and passed, I always sent him presents and letters and packages while I didn’t receive one single thing..not even for my birthday. And that was the last straw, my birthday. I thought for sure that he was over me, done with everything, and moving on. So I told myself I was going to do the same. So I started hanging out with this guy named AJ. We got pretty close and I ended up having sex with him.. lemme remind you that Zach took my virginity about a year and a half ago and he is the only one I have ever done it with (I took his too and Im his only one) I was hiding all of this from him, Zach didn’t know anything. Until last thursday night, April 12. He started to send me all these pictures of him with all these different girls and it instantly hit me, jealousy raced through my body. I couldn’t believe it. So being stupid me, I sent him a picture of me and AJ kissing..and thats when everything went downhill. I basically took Zach’s heart out, ripped it to shreds, and stomped all over it. He was so hurt and still is. Eventually, the whole truth came out after I tried to lie myself out of it but realized I couldn’t do it anymore. Zach now knows everything about everything.
At first, he was extremely angry (as anyone would be). I felt like shit, I felt like the scum of the Earth, like I didn’t even want to live anymore. Until last night, he changed. He came to the realization that he couldn’t let me go, he is still and will forever be in love with me, and that nothing can break us apart. Although I technically didn’t cheat on him, I basically did. And I almost took my own life because of my actions.
Now, Zach wants to start clean. fresh. he wants to start over with me and just work things out. YES, I still feel COMPLETELY awful for doing what I did and there is no justification for it, & YES he is still extremely hurt and broken because of me, but because of the love and determination we have in our relationship, we ARE going to make it work, no matter what.
This still really isn’t everything, but its most of it. Right now, I am just battling living with myself really.. I have so much self hatred right now and have for the past month or so, I am trying to focus on fixing myself and deleting the bad thoughts my mind keeps telling me. & so me and Zach have started a list for me, in order to get myself back.
Oh and to add to everything, I rear ended a bus yesterday..in the middle of crying my eyes out because of this whole situation. My car is not drivable now, is going to cost about $6000 to fix, and I’m out a car for about a week while its getting fixed :/ (Here’s a picture of the damages.. :( )
SO to conclude this whole, long, rambled update, currently I am laying in my bed, watching NCIS, and obviously on tumblr. I have a dance performance this afternoon at 4 but after that, I am going to go to the gym and kill it. I’m gonna work out like its the last time I’m ever gonna be able to work out because I need it. I want it back, I want to be healthy and fit and I’m not going to stop until I am.
February 12, 2012
I’m on the left, my best friend Kimmy is on the right! Yes, we look extremely alike, are exactly 2 weeks apart, but are not related at all.
hi everyone! so it’s february :) My birthday is in 12 days (february 24) and I’m turning 18! yay, can’t wait <3 I still don’t really know what I’m doing for it, but I’m sure it’ll be something. that picture that I posted above this is of kimmy and I at the Donna Deegan Breast Cancer marathon. its a marathon that takes place in my town that is 26.2 miles. we didn’t participate in it, but went to support our church leader that fought off breast cancer a couple years ago. she is like a second mom to us and we love her dearly! we ended up standing in the median of the road for 2 hours at 7 am (this morning), and let me remind you that it was 30 degrees out.. but finally at 9, she passed us! it was so awesome just cheering on all those runners and hearing the many “thank yous” it brought tears to my eyes and was way worth it.
As for the health part of my life, its actually been going better than ever. I am finding more and more new foods to eat and yummy recipes to make. I work out every morning with kimmy (girl pictured) she has recently began her weight loss journey and I am helping her every step of the way. I’m BEYOND proud of her and can’t wait to see the results of our hard work! if you are interested in what we do when we work out, i am more than happy to share!
OMG, totally forgot. I haven’t told y’all. I got into FAU!!!!!! I am so so so so so excited to go! I applied for housing and everything, so now I just need to graduate! yeeeeww.
Going along with college, Zach and I are doing okay! Um, its actually very hard to explain. I know always call him my boyfriend, but we aren’t technically dating, even though we both treat each other as if we were. He’s been going through some tough and rough times lately, being very stressed out. so we are kinda giving each other space, but don’t worry! we still talk everyday, love each other, and care about each other like no other. we’re just trying to get other aspects of our lives straightened out. we are still going to college together next year though, no worries ;)
Also, in a post a couple days ago, I brought up that I am a Christian and I thought I should start including that into my “life updates” since it is the most important thing to my in my life. i have gone to my church since 7th grade summer, going into 8th grade. it is the BEST church in my opinion, haha. it is my second home for sure and I just enjoy being there every time I am there. the youth program is the best in the town, tons of kids go and worship every week. I go every wednesday for a casual church service thats an hour long, just to get rejuvenated from the midweek blues. I also go on sunday morning to the high school service for an hour. we do different activities during the week, but not every week. as a church, we just love spending time together, everyone is so welcoming, and I just pretty much love it! I go to high school summer camp with them every year, the last 2 years we have gone to a camp called “bigstuf” but this coming year ill be a counselor (since i won’t be in high school anymore) at the high school camp, but we’re going to a different one called “breakaway” in hiltonhead, south carolina. We went my freshman and sophomore year, its literally my favorite place ever. I’m beyond stoked! I’m also a middle school counselor every year for the middle school camp called “south wind” its the best camp I’ve ever gone to and will never stop going!!!
So anyyyyways, I really think thats all thats going on in my life right now! if you have an questions for me, don’t be afraid to ask :) love you all! oh and be looking out for a new blog I’m making soon. hehe
January 11, 2012
That’s me and my friend Taylor (I’m on the right)!
So right now, in my life, I have mono :( I got tested positive for it about 2 weeks ago, causing me not to be able to work out :( its really awful, but I’m learning how to deal with it! But along with mono, that means no dance either :/ My team has lots of performances coming up, but I won’t be able to be in them until the end of January, I think. With school, exams are this week, so I have been VERY busy with all that. I’m so excited for the new semester to start though, because that means Im that much closer to COOOLLLEEGGGEE! ah, haha :) I still haven’t heard if I have gotten into FAU :/ Ill keep y’all posted on that though :D
My friends are amazing. I love each and everyone of them, and we just keep getting closer and closer <3 I am so happy when I hangout with them and hope that we stay in touch all throughout college :)
Annnd the boy <3 He’s still amazing!! I finally sent his Christmas presents for him and his family, and they received them yesterday :D They are all so adorable and I love his family like my own! Zach is going on a medical mission trip on friday for a week, so I won’t be able to talk to him for that long :( But I’m so happy he is going, he loves it down there. This will be his second time. A little background on why he goes: His dad got murdered when he was 3 years old so his grandma and grandpa opened up a school in honor of him called “Pre escolar HNO Van Henson” It is so amazing all the work they have done down there & I hope to go down soon!
Well, that’s pretty much it guys :) if you want to know anything else, don’t be afraid to ask!! <3 Love you all and hope everything is going great for everyone.
December 14, 2011
Me, Alex, & Kimmy
So it’s December now :) I’m loving it. School is over on friday (December 16) and I am MORE than excited. I can’t wait for it to be over and for winter break to start. However, it doesn’t even feel like winter here :( It’s been mostly between 60 and 70 degrees and sometimes even hotter than that :/ The exciting part is that I am going to Ft. Lauderdale on sunday though! With my mom, sister, her friend, and my friend Ashtin! We are only going down for a couple days though (Sunday—>Wednesday) because we wanna get back for shopping and all that, but its going to be a lot of fun! It is right near the school I want to go to is (FAU) so I’m pumped to go see it :)
Me and Zach are really good right now :) I might be going up to see him the day after Christmas, but we just still don’t know yet :/ If not, I will see him in February when he comes down here for my birthday and to see my new house! yay.
I’m still dancing every week, so much! I’m ready for a break with that tooo! ah, it just takes up so much time and I’m ready to not have to go all the time :p it ends friday tooo though, so yay :) We are having a holiday party though.. I am planning on baking low calorie and low fat chocolate chip cookies and making fruit kabobs though, so hopefully ill just stick to eating that when I’m there :)